Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
