i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
