hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
