what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
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SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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