Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
