I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
