Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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