Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
