I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
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Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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