dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
