How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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