I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
