We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
