how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
