Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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