i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
