I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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