Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
