I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
