Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
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I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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