he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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