You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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