mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
