every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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