I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
