Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My cat gives me a boner
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
