He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
