and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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