I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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