I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
