the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
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we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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