so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
