If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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