in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You took a bar mat shot.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
