Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
