I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
