Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He? As in you personified your dick?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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