just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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