you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
