i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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