I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
