Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
