I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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