Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
