i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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