The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
