remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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