I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
