I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Green mimosas i think yes
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
