I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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