I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
