It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
