wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
