i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
