So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
