JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
