The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
