I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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