never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
