just tell him i said nine months
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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