made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
