I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm always down for nudity.
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