If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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