When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
