I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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