my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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